Survey Says

Survey Says
By Joe Shaw (c) 2006

(A large, hairy man walks across a wide lawn at a large college campus in the Midwest. He notices a group of people standing ahead with clipboards. He lowers his head and dons a mean look, but the people approach anyway. The hairy man tries to pass but is immediately accosted by one of the clipboard-bearing group members. Clipboard-boy speaks and moves with effeminate mannerisms)

CLIPBOARD BOY: Do you have a moment for equal rights?
LARGE HAIRY MAN: Sure.
CB: I’m with the gay and lesbian group here on campus, and I’d like to talk to you about gay marriage.
LHM: Oooh. I’m not interested. Thank you.
CB: Why, because you hate gay people?
LHM: No. No … I hate married people!

(ding)

CB: Do you have a minute for equal rights?
LHM: Sure.
CB: I’m with the gay and lesbian group here on campus, and I’d like to talk to you about gay marriage.
LHM: Ok.
CB: Did you know that the religious right is trying to criminalize our rights to marriage?
LHM: They are?
CB: Yes.
LHM: That’s terrible. Well, I’ll see you later.
CB: What? Where are you going?
LHM: Bible Study. And after that I’m meeting with the College Republicans.

(ding)

CB: Do have a minute for equal rights?
LHM: No. I only have thirty seconds.
CB: Ok, well I’m with the gay and lesbian…
LHM: ... twenty five …
CB: uh … the gay and lesbian group here on campus, and I …
LHM: …twenty…
CB: What?
LHM: I said you had thirty seconds. Now you have fifteen seconds … fourteen … thirteen…
CB: Well I wanted to talk to you about gay marriage.
LHM: Can you do it in eight seconds?
CB: No.
LHM: Oh, well. Sorry. (walks away)
CB: Don’t you care about equal rights.
LHM: Sure, but next time it needs to be more efficient.

(ding)

CB: Do you have a minute for civil rights?
LHM: Sure.
CB: I’m with the gay and lesbian group here on campus.
(ding)
CB: the gay, lesbian, and bisexual
(ding)
CB: the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered
(ding)
CB: the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, and questioning.
(ding)
CB: the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgendered, and questioning college students of America.
LHM: I bet that’s one hell of an acronym.
CB: You have no idea.

(ding)

CB: Hi, I’m with the GLBTQCSOA.
LHM: That sounds like a mouthful.
CB: It’s not that bad once you get used to it.

(ding)

CB: Hi, I’m with the gay and lesbian group here on campus!
LHM: Hi, I’m with the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints!
CB: Oh boy. This is awkward.
LHM: Yeah, it kinda is, isn’t it?
CB: Nice tie.
LHM: Thanks.

(ding)

LHM: Excuse me, what are you doing here?
CB: I’m telling people about gay rights.
LHM: Don’t you want to talk to me?
CB: No.
LHM: Why not?
CB: Because you’re not interested.
LHM: How do you know?
CB: Because we have radar, too.

(ding)

CB: Hi, do have a minute for me to berate your religious and political beliefs?
LHM: As long as you’re willing to accept that I couldn’t care less about what you’re saying, sure!

(ding)

CB: Hi, do you have a minute for equal rights?
LHM: Sure.
CB: Well I’m from the …
LHM: Damn, dude! Check out that chick.
CB: What?
LHM: Check her out, dude. Right over there. The one with the huge rack!
CB: Uh …
(LHM smiles and watches her as she passes, then turns towards CB again)
LHM: Sorry about that. Now, what did you want to say?

(ding)

CB: Hi, I’m from the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered group on campus. Do you have a minute to talk about equal rights?
LHM: Sure.
CB: I’m with the … what’s wrong.
LHM: Nothing
CB: Am I making you nervous?
LHM: No.
(ding)
LHM: Yes.
CB: Why, because I’m gay?
LHM: No, because I don’t like surveys?
(ding)
LHM: Ok, it’s because you’re gay, but I like gay people!
(ding)
LHM: I mean I have lots of gay friends!
(ding)
LHM: I have one gay friend.
(ding)
LHM: I knew a gay guy once.
(ding)
LHM: (ashamed) But I made fun of him behind his back.
CB: Nevermind.

(ding)

CB: Do you have a minute for equal rights?
LHM: Sure.
CB: I’m with the gay and lesbian group here on campus, and I’d like to talk to you about marriage.
LHM: Ok.
CB: Did you know that the religious right is trying to criminalize our marriage rights?
LHM: They are?
CB: Yes, they sure are. They don’t want gay people to get married.
LHM: Whew. That’s a relief.
CB: What?
LHM: Well I’m not gay, so I don’t have anything to worry about.

(ding)

CB: Do you have a minute for equal rights?
LHM: Sure.
CB: I’m with the gay and lesbian group here on campus, and I’d like to talk to you about gay marriage.
LHM: Ok.
CB: Did you know that the religious right is trying to criminalize our marriage rights?
LHM: I didn’t know gay marriage was legal.
CB: It isn’t.
LHM: Why did you say the religious right was trying to criminalize it?
CB: It just sounds catchier that way.
LHM: Hey, yeah, it does!

(ding)

CB: Do you have a moment for equal rights?
LHM: You mean gay rights.
CB: How did you know?
LHM: Because, dude, you’re wearing an ascot and a pink jacket with a feather boa.

(ding)

CB: Do you have a minute for gay rights?
LHM: Yes.
CB: Did you know that George Bush doesn’t care about gay people?
LHM: I didn’t know Kanye West was gay.

(ding)

CB: Hi, do you have a minute for equal rights?
LHM: Yes.
CB: I’m from the gay, lesbian, and bisexual group here on campus.
LHM: Yes.
CB: And I wanted to talk to you about gay marriage.
LHM: Yes.
CB: Did you know the religious right is trying to criminalize homosexuality?
LHM: Yes.
CB: We think gay rights are important and we would like you to sign up to become member for the human rights campaign.
LHM: Yes.
CB: Great! Our members usually donate anywhere from twenty to thirty dollars per months to support our campaign and keep overhead costs low. How much would you like to donate?
LHM: Yes.
CB: What? You need to tell me how much you want to donate.
LHM: Oh, I sorry. I no speak English.

(ding)

CB: Hi, do you have a minute for equal rights?
LHM: Sure.
CB: I’m from the gay and lesbian group here on campus.
LHM: Really? Could you hookme up with some of your lesbian friends?
CB: ---
LHM: Oooh, but make sure they're hot, ok?

(ding)

CB: Hi, do you have a minute for equal rights?
LHM: It depends on what you mean by “equal” and “rights.”
CB: I use the generally accepted terms.
LHM: Well if we’re going for exactness we should strive for truth ahead of popularity.
CB: I don’t think we need to be that exact.
LHM: Well I’m assuming this is an important issue we’re about to discuss.
CB: True.
LHM: I don’t what there to be any ambiguity.
CB: There won’t be.
LHM: How do you know?
CB: Most people understand what those words mean.
LHM: Do you have statistics to back this up or is it merely your opinion?

(ding)

CB: Do you have a minute for equal rights?
LHM: Sure.
CB: I’m from the gay and lesbian group and I’d like to talk to you about marriage.
LHM: Sorry, I’m not gay.
CB: That doesn’t matter.
LHM: It sure does!
CB: No it doesn’t. Marriage rights affect us all.
LHM: Oh! Marriage RIGHTS. I thought you were proposing to me.

(ding)

CB: Hi, do you have a minute for equal rights?
LHM: Sure. Fine. Whatever.
CB: I’m from the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered group here on campus.
LHM: (sighs)
CB: And I’d like to talk to you about gay marriage.
LHM: Go ahead.
CB: Did you know the religious right is trying to criminalize gay marriage?
LHM: No they’re not. They’re trying to stop you people from changing the laws in this country to fit your sick behavior.
CB: Only because you dumb asses aren’t capable of opening your minds to consider anybody but yourself.
LHM: There you go again, unwilling to engage in conversation, forcing your beliefs down everybody else’s throats.
CB: You’re the one forcing his beliefs. I’m just trying to get equal rights.
LHM: Special rights is more like it.
CB: Listen here, you …

(ding)
CB: brain dead redneck.
(ding)
LHM: Limp-wristed pillow-biter.
(ding)
CB: Homophobe.
(ding)
LHM: Faggot.

(ding) (ding) (ding) (ding) (ding)

---

(ding)

CB: Do you have a minute for equal rights?
LHM: Sure.
CB: I’m with the gay and lesbian group here on campus, and I’d like to talk to you about gay marriage.
LHM: Good to meet you.
CB: Did you know that the religious right is trying to criminalize our rights to marriage?
LHM: Well, actually, since there is currently no right to gay marriage, they aren’t trying to criminalize it.
CB: That’s true, I guess.
LHM: And it’s not just the religious right. Strict constitutionalists, even some who are for gay rights, oppose it as well.
CB: That may be the case, but the fact remains that, regardless of your beliefs on religion, from a legal standpoint gay marriage and straight marriage are the same.
LHM: I can see that. For the most part, at least.
CB: And anybody who disagrees is a bigot.
LHM: Having differing opinions doesn't make you a bigot.
CB: That's what the religious right says.
LHM: Opponents to gay marriage are not so easily defined.
CB: Oh?
LHM: While many religious conservatives disagree with homosexuality as a lifestyle, the vast majority support a “live and let live” mentality. They might disagree with it for religious reasons, but they don’t hate homosexuals. They don’t believe in forcing other to accept their beliefs. It’s only those who speak out the loudest who do.
CB: But, regardless of a person’s level of involvement in politics, isn’t a belief in the inequality of marriage rights akin to hate?
LHM: It isn’t exactly an inequality in many people’s minds.
CB: Oh, really? How is that?
LHM: They believe that the constitution defines marriage as an act involving a man and a woman and they do not believe in redefining the constitution . It’s disagreement based on constitutional means, not sexual orientation.
CB: That sounds like an excuse to me. It sounds like they use this argument instead of saying what they really want to say.
LHM: That might be true for some, but not for all. With the former, if you can give them a good reason to change the constitution, then you would likely convince them that gay marriage is ok.
CB: How about the 19th amendment, or the Supreme Court decision in Brown vs. Topka Board of Education?
LHM: That’s a good place to start, I think, and like I said, I agree with you from the legal standpoint for the most part. But like all important discussions there are specific issues that require hashing out in order to come to some consensus. And I’m not sure we have the time or the ability to do so here, in the middle of campus.
CB: Maybe you’re right. But I have another question if you don’t mind.
LHM: Shoot.
CB: Isn’t the belief that homosexuality is a sin also a form of hate?
LHM: Well from the Christian standpoint, we all sin. So, no. It isn’t hate. It’s just the recognition of God’s law. Being a Christian and being homosexual are not mutually exclusive.
CB: The religious right seems to think so.
LHM: Now, wait a minute. Just because somebody is conservative and a Christian doesn’t mean they’re also hateful or that they believe God doesn’t love homosexuals. That’s like saying all men with tight jeans and well manicured fingernails are gay. Or that all jocks are not.
CB: Yeah. Sorry. But this still sounds pretty hateful to me.
LHM: What?
CB: Homosexuality as a sin.
LHM: I understand what you mean. But it’s really just a semantic.
CB: A semantic?
LH: Listen. There are Christians who believe that homosexuality is a sin and there are those who believe it is not. We disagree about rules and regs all the time. It’s only through a relationship with God that we can truly understand the nature of sin. And even then, we only understand a bit of the sin in our own lives. When that happens, sin takes on a whole new meaning. It isn’t as simple as whether or not you said your prayers before you went to bed at night.
CB: Are you saying there’s no right and wrong? That we define what is right for our own lives.
LHM: No, not at all. I’m saying God defines it for us. And our understanding of that nature matures the closer we come to Him. Sin is a personal thing between you and God; not you and God and another person. It’s only when somebody thinks they are somehow “better” because they do not partake in this one particular sin that it becomes hate.
CB: That’s the whole “deal with the plank in your eye before you deal with the speck in your brother’s eye” thing, right?
LHM: Yeah. The point is the relationship with God. And that’s open to everybody, regardless of which sins weight us down.
CB: Well there certainly are a lot of Christians who forget that verse when it comes to homosexuality. At least, that’s how it seems to me.
LHM: No, you’re right. There are probably more than you know.
(pause)
CB: Well, if you’re looking to get involved with our group, we’re accepting memberships.
LHM: What’s involved?
CB: We act politically to ensure the rights of homosexuals across the country.
LHM: To be honest, I don’t like to donate to political groups. They’re usually too broad for my taste and even if I agree with the main point, I end up funding another action with which I disagree.
CB: (dejected) Oh.
LHM: But I’ll take a look at your group’s website and if they seem legit, I’ll give them a call.
CB: Well, thanks.
LHM: You’re welcome.
CB: Have a nice day.
LHM: You too.

(ding)