It would seem that once again, my eyeballs are not working properly and I am forced to change the setting for Text Size from “Moderately Large” to “Just give up and try to learn brail.” Three minutes ago, I caught myself leaning in close to my monitor in order to read the words printed thereon much like a 90 year old lady trying to navigate her 1975 Lincoln Mark 4 down the narrow streets and sidestreets of my neighborhood. This discovery, along with many others, has lead to a harrowing thought: no woman will ever be interested in me.
Let’s do the rundown here. Just so you can follow along.
Fat…check
Bald….check
Makes less than $30K….check
Can’t see worth shit….check
A complete lack of fashion sense….CHECK!
If I hadn’t told you I was 27, you might think I was pushing 90 (and still talking about how Woodrow Wilson ruined the great dream that was The Republic of America). I am old before my time. I am a worthless human being! Yay for me!
Now shut the hell up ya whippersnappers. Mitch Miller’s on.
The Me
- The Sasquatch
- Columbus, Ohio, United States
- I'm a bald man with bad eyesight. I'm 5'11" and I eat chili with reckless abandon. I'm a Cincinnati Reds fan and lover of literature. I once tackled a midget. I work with computers but my computer rarely works. My ears ring, my feet hurt, and most popular music will make my toenails curl if the weather is right. I am hopeless when it comes to understanding women or economics or why the sky is blue instead of some other color. I enjoy the smell of freshly cut grass and the sound of rain in the forest. I believe in God, but I sometimes wonder whether He believes in me. I watch television on Wednesdays and I listen to the radio when I'm in my car. My baseball coach used to tell me that I ran so slow he had to time me with a calendar and my band director once said I could be a professional cornet player if only I'd practice. I am madly in love with my wife and she is madly in love with the original CSI. I wake up each morning with a smile on my face because, even if it's cold and grey and rainy and dreary, the first thing I see in the morning is her face, and it is the most beautiful site in the world; especially after I put on my glasses.
4 comments:
YOU ARE SO NOT WORTHLESS!!!!!!!!!
I heart you, Joe. :) See ya tomorrow.
P.S. I linked you on my LJ, so I can make sure to visit your blog regularly. YAY.
Alright! More readers. Giggity giggity giggity!
Soon I will have every blogger on the internet hooked into my words. Then I will subtlly manipulate their brain functions through hypnoses and subliminal messages.
Then I will finally take over the world!
Right, Pinky?
uhhh....who's Mitch Miller?
Mitch miller: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Miller
He produced a lot of easy listening favorites from the '50s. Just the kind of music an old fogey like me would listen to were I actually an old fogey
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