Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Welcome to the Future!

Can you believe its 2009 already? Think about it. I've been out of school long enough for the toddlers that occupied Kindergarten when I was in school to actually graduate themselves. If that happens two more times, I'll be on a porch with a shotgun before I know it, screaming at all the whippersnappers to get the hell off my lawn.

Assuming we have a lawn to yell about, that is. Which might not happen for two major reasons...

First, global warming could kill all plant life on earth, reeking havoc on the food supply, forcing humans to use our magical powers of science to develop genetically engineered sources of nutrition and sustenance. Either that or we evolve wholly new digestive systems at a heretofore unheard of metabolic rate. A new sort of gastronomic prowess that will let us digest rock or coal would be just the thing we need.

Second, the economy might collapse, causing Jen and me to abandon our dreams of homeownership, accepting positions as deck hands on the latest and greatest line of Carnival cruise ships. If that happens, the entire world will be our front yard! And all I'll have to do is walk around with a shotgun telling the mutant teenage spawn of the world's richest people to stop messing around and get the hell out of my sleeping receptacle before I call management and have them secretly fed into the ship's engine as fuel. Once both the environment and the economy collapse, human flesh, particularly that of spoiled, rich kids, will become the source of energy that makes the world turn, of course. And it's not like the kids' parents will notice they've gone missing. Rich people don't care about their kids. Everybody knows that.

I don't think it'll come to that, though. When things get real bad, the beauty of uninhibited Capitalism will force McDonalds and Burger King to race against the clock, inventing a coal-based hamburger, solving both the nutritional and economc problems that face the world, returning everything to relative normalcy except for the minute possibility that flatulence from the McCoal Burger might result in accidental self-immolation if you buy the wrong kind of fabric for your pajamas.

Which is why I have decided to sleep in the nude from here on out. Just in case.

I'm sure you wanted that image stuck in your head. That's why I spoke so freely of my naked, hairy ass, sleeping above the covers for all to see. I'll have to sleep above the covers, of course, because if my digestive expectorations achieve a high level of flammability, it wouldn't make sense to eschew pajamas and keep the wonderful, 600 thread count sheets Jen and I got as a present (from someone or other) when we got married. Bedsheets are just as likely as my flannel, Aqua Teen Hunger Force t-shirt to catch aflame. More so, probably. Meatwad is cool, but even he is susceptible the laws of Thermodynamics. Tossing the pjs and sleeping under the covers would be about as useful giving openly corrupt bakers 50% of the American gross domestic product with no strings attached and then expecting them to be charitable with their newfound wealth.

That would be ludicrous! I'm glad nobody thinks that way!

So 2009 approaches quickly and I can't wait. if my powers of observation are correct, it looks like this will be the year that the world collapses around us and we devolve into a Mad Max style polst-Apocalyptic nightmare. I've been preparing myself for this eventuality a long time. I read "The Stand" About a 157 times when I was a kid, I laughed at "I am Legend" for all the right reasons, and I recently started in on Cormac McCarthy's entire bilbiography. I might not be able to grow food, and I can't see well enough to shoot straight and hit the zombies when they attack (and they WILL attack), but at least I'll be able to quip sarastic, vaguely philosophic rhetoric. Those are the characters everyone loves the most, anyway.

I might sound cynical and if questioned on the matter I'd have to agree. With one caveat. I'm personally optimistic but socially cynical. I hope for the best in my life, but I believe our species is on the back end of the bell curve, the part where trigonometry takes over and everything goes to shit. Faced with the prospect of a new year, I think the best thing to do is sit back with your favorite drink and watch everything burn.

It's the best kind of entertainment there is.