I saw the eye doctor this morning and I now have an Exploding Eyeball Syndrome update. It seems that the disease as spread to the other eye! Where, before, my right eye was mildly astigmatized, it has now begun the slow descent into insanity we "saw" in my demon left eye. I wore my contacts to see the doctor and he was able to determine that, with my contacts, I can see about 20/50 in my right eye and about 20/500 in my left. Here is what I see with my right eye, and here is the same picture seen with my left.
Without my contacts, my vision is much worse.
This would be why I can't see anything. It would also explain why wearing the contacts causes my eyes to itch and get bloodshot all the time. My cone-shaped corneas are degenerating so quickly that the outside rims of the contact lenses are left flapping in the breeze, which causes them to be uncomfortable to wear.
I have to renew my license in October. Here's hoping I'm able to fool the cunning bastards at the DMV into giving me four more years to terrorize the good citizens of Columbus, Ohio!