Thursday, September 15, 2005

Pointless Stupidity

the drama group at church is performing the play I wrote. It's next week! They asked me to write bios for the cast members. I did, but they're all fake. And here they are.

Christy was raised by a colony of anteaters in the Highlands of Scotland, and she remained there until she was banished from her clan at the spry age of ten due to a nasty political dispute involving differing theories of economic stability and the best techniques for tearing down ant hills. After short stints with both the off-Broadway production of "Bozo the Clown: the untold story" and a traveling summer carnival in Texas run by a fiery midget, she settled in Columbus to seek happiness and a higher socio-economic status than she would have known with her family of anteaters back in Scotland. Christy has memorized every episode of "The Gilmore Girls" from each of the first two seasons, and she can recite the scripts on command at twice the normal speed if you ask her nicely or threaten to use her DVD collection as frisbees. She also memorized the value of pi out the 457 th decimal place in order to win a bet, the winnings from which she used to pay off an exorbitant cell phone bill and to buy an extra large helping of fried rice which, according to Christy, is sweetly similar to the delectable tenderness of Scottish ants.

Despite a promising career as a circus freak due to his uncanny ability to fit anything up to and including a big screen TV in his mouth, Phil was eventually forced to seek full-time employment in order to feed his beer and pool habits. A talented chef, wine-drinker, moron-baiter, and Mexican wave-initiator, Phil finally discovered his true calling as a drummer while beating a competitor for the last pool table at the local pub. This competitor happened to be wearing a particularly percussive hat. Phil also contributes to the local arts scene with his outstanding free association poetry, the finest example of which being the renowned, "I've fallen down the stairs. I was up the stairs, but now I'm down the stairs. Here I am. This is where I am". In addition to his burgeoning career in the dramatic arts, Phil's one-man drum performances can be seen weekly on the public access show "Columbus Freaks." Phil once ate fifteen grilled cheese sandwiches in one sitting, but he doesn't like to talk about this incident and prefers that you not mention it to others.

A well-known teenage daredevil by the age of five, Ben specialized in diving head-first off large tables, and also removing and then discarding the front wheel of his stunt bike just after leaving high jump ramps. This may account for his rugged and "chiselled" appearance, and also goes some way towards explaining his superbly unreliable memory. Having been a fan of professional wrestling since three years before his birth, Ben recently attempted to start a wrestling career as "The Tiny Torch" with the local amateur circuit. He abandoned this dream when an opponent knocked out his teeth and shaved obscenities into his hair with a pair of clippers while he sat unconscious in the corner. Heavily involved in the technical side of dramatics, Ben independently discovered dry ice after weeks of fruitless experimentation with a hairdryer and a fridge-freezer. Ben's best friends once claimed that he should be shot and killed, and then brought back to life by some strange, voodoo séance so he could be shot and killed again. Strangely, Ben agrees.

Born at the age of sixteen on the plaza level at Riverfront Stadium in Cincinnati, Joe was considered unusually intelligent by people who didn't know any better. Gifted with a musical ear (just one, though), and a natural love of languages, Joe can play any instrument at least as proficient as a two year old, and he has learned nearly two thirds of all world dialects. Unfortunately, he lost a large portion of his memory after a failed attempt at a stage dive at a Dave Matthews Band concert in 1998. Now, all he can say is "May I please borrow your yak?" in Italian while incessantly whistling the theme song to "The Andy Griffith Show." His favorite color is blue, he is a huge baseball fan, and he is also fond of Homemade Brand Cookies N Cream ice cream. So if you get the chance, buy him some. He will love you forever

Laurie received full scholarships to both Yale and Harvard Universities after scoring a perfect 1600 on her S.A.T. But she quit the academic life after only a semester, choosing instead to pursue a lucrative career as the preeminent DJ in the New York area under the name Acid Hip Boom Boom Funk, playing a strange combination of fusion jazz, hip hop, and bluegrass country music. The crowds went nuts after hearing this new and exciting blend. As Leonard Nimoy once said, "it makes the kids crazy and it drives the parents insane!" Acid Hip Boom Boom Funk gave it all up, however, after she lost her life savings trying to start a record label for gangsta rappers who specialize in Irish clog dancing. She changed her name back to Laurie and returned home to resume her old job as the third shift delivery driver for Cut-Rate Pizza Co. She also took a new position as the lead chef for Ay-augh!, a soon to open four-star restaurant that specializes in Bangor, Maine cuisine. Laurie enjoys bass fishing and managerial accounting, and she is the undefeated Franklin county staring contest champion three years running. She mandates that her new restaurant play an eclectic blend of music whenever she works, and she smiles whenever she hears a unique blend of thumping base and twinkling banjo.


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The Sasquatch said...

Well, I've already lost about 100 pounds, and I can carry a large bass amp on my shoulder like its nothing. I don't see how your advertisement for steroids is going to help me.

fatman said...

First I want to compliment you on the piece "you suck". Not bad. Wish I'd written it myself. I might also suggest turning on word verification if you can; it should just about eliminate the comment spam.

And now that I've sucked up to you comes the mea culpa: I stole your blog name. As Tony Blair said to Congress when recounting how the British Army had burned the Library of Congress during th War of 1812: "Sorry."

Not deliberately. I just failed to use a little common sense and Google the name before I titled my blog. (Though in my defense, I expected Blogger to kick the name back at me if someone else was using it and it didn't.)

Now I've already changed the name of my blog. I would prefer to keep using the handle "fatman" since everybody knows me by that name. If you have a problem with that though, then I will change it. How does "the blogger formerly known as fatman" sound?

Again, my apologies. And if you get some troll in here looking to pick a fight over something I've said, just point him in my direction and kick him out the door.

The Sasquatch said...

Woah! Fatman! No worries, man. I recently changed my name to The Fatman Chronicles. I can change it to something else. It isn't all that endearing to me. Feel free to change yours back.

I think we should both keep the name. This way, whenever we get complaints, we can just say "no no was the OTHER fatman!"

fatman said...

"I think we should both keep the name. This way, whenever we get complaints, we can just say 'no no was the OTHER fatman!'"

Heh. I like the way you think.

You keep using "The Fatman Chronicles" since you had it first. And I'll change mine back to "The fatman chronicles" (maybe the difference in capitalization is why Blogger didn't reject it). And we'll confuse everybody.

The Sasquatch said...

Word up, G!