Monday, October 03, 2005

Still Can't See

The verdict is in! I spoke with my doctor this morning and it seems that my complete inability to see anything for the past month is due to the nasty viral infection on my eyeballs. I haven’t had a cold in over a year and I have no seasonal allergies as far as I know, so it would appear that I picked up this infection by sheer luck. My luck is compounded when you consider that I wash my hands more often than an obsessive compulsive man locked in a garbage dumpster filled with rat feces.

That's a pretty picture!

The end result is that I have to buy some expensive eyedrops, and some expensive steroids which should fix the problem in either a few weeks or a few months. It also means that I have to throw away my very expensive contact lenses and that I won’t be able to drive to work with any regularity.

Sure, I could make it there in the morning, but after ten hours of staring at a computer through the wrong prescription, I won’t be able to see straight enough to judge a beauty contest between Selma Hayek and Salmon Rushdie much less drive.

So it’s walking for me! That’s 9 miles of walking per day, baby. I think I might try a little experiment. In addition to all the extra exercise, I’ll start the extreme Atkins diet. This is no carbs and as little fat as possible. So for the next few months, I’ll eat nothing but vegetables and lean meats while walking 9 or 10 miles a day. Watch as I waste away to a paltry 230 pounds (oh, the humanity). It’ll be truly depressing, I’m sure. The good news is I’ll save about a million and a half dollars a week on gasoline! So yay for that.

unrelated addendum: I've never noticed it before, but if I let my hair grow out, I'd probably look a little bit like Salmon Rushdie.

addendum #2: Somebody asked me how bad my eyesight really was. It's hard to describe. Everything is blurry and there is a lot of double vision. There is extreme light sensitivity as well. When I'm driving, if it is a bright day outside, my eyes start to hurt and I have to sqint a lot. Here are a couple examples of what it looks like:


m@77#&w 13. said...

i miss salmon...

The Sasquatch said...

salman? solomon? Who knows? The point is he's damn ugly.