Nerd Audit

In the vein of Pandagon’s coolness audits, I’m doing a nerd audit. Because I’m never cool and I never will be. The lower the score the better

1) “Irish Drinking Song” by Da Vinci’s Notebook. A Capella ruminations about the finest of liquors coupled with snazzy rhymes and a chorus in which the response to massive amounts of familial death is to drink so much that you “throw up, pass out, wake up and then go drinkin’ once again.” You can’t beat that with a 10 meter cattle prod. 0/10

2) “You know you wrong,” by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. This is the only good song on their most recent album, in my opinion. But then I never could get behind New Orleans Jazz (thus my distaste for the Squirrel Nut Zippers). Still, these guys were in “Swingers,” and they were hip for a while during the great swing revolution of 1998. So I get a 5/10.

3) “Fell in Love with a Girl” by the White Stripes. Crap. There went my nerdiness. The White Stripes are the epitome of hip, and the fact that I think they could use a better drummer - and that I know their drummer’s name – gives me extra credit for hipster pretention. This one goes all the way to 11, baby! 11/10.

4) “Albequerque” by Weird Al Yankovic. Ah yes. Back to the roots of geekdom. I was once at a party where the host, who I knew to be a nerd, believed himself to be a connoisseur of cool music. The party was going well, with the requisite smattering of “The Killers” and “The Strokes” and a few other bands nobody knew but pretended they did in order to look cool. Then weird Al came on the radio and a hush fell over the crowd. The host was a nerd and everybody knew it. He could no longer hide behind his expensive jeans and Spanish, wraparound sunglasses. After a close call, I again fall into the pit of despair. 0/10.

5) “Big Bottom” by Spinal Tap. Have you seen the movie? Did you know that Spinal Tap is a fake band? Did you know that they are the same guys as The Folksmen from “A Mighty Wind?” Did you know that the bass player, Harry Shearer, does half the voices on “The Simpsons?” Did you notice that I have already referenced this movie with song #3, and that Christopher Guest, who plays Nigel Tuffman in the Spinal Tap Movie, also plays the six-fingered man in the movie I referenced at the end of song #4? If you did, you are a true paragon of intellectual superiority. You probably even wear a pocket protector! 3/10

6) “Triangle Man” by They Might Be Giants. This was the seminal hit for TMBG before it was cool to like TMBG. This was the song that you rocked out to when everybody else in the room just looked at you and shook their heads in utter horror and disbelief. 1/10.

7) “Innagadadavida” by Iron Butterfly…the full version with the three-week-long drum solo. Sometimes a nerd can be a hippie as well. You’d get a 5/10, but because I know that this was the song that played over the last half hour of the movie “Manhunter” which came back with greater fame several years later as the movie “Red Dragon” minus this song and all the early ‘80s hair, I get a 2/10.

8) “Get Down” by Nas. WTF? 5w337!! OmFG!!! U R The r0x0r!!!1!! oneone! 6/10

9) “The Theme Song to Jurrasic Park” by John Williams. …. -4/10

10) “Mullett” by Dum Dog Run. When your friend’s band comes up on the list, you know you’re sunk. If my parents had a basement, I’d be there right now, drinking Mountain Dew straight from the bottle and arguing about politics on Fark while attempting to draw boobs on an etch a sketch. 1/10.

Grand total: 2.6 (assmuming you accept Einstein’s approximation of the universal constant “C”). I might be lame, but at least I get to listen to…Da vinci’s notebook?

Nevermind.