Each of these answers is completely true. Really.
SECTiON 1 [YOU.]
+ your name: The Sasquatch
+ your gender: Woodland Animal
+ your birthday: Devil’s Night
+ height: 5’10”
+ eye color: chameleon
+ your location: my bedroom
+ fears: clowns, sewers, and Stephen King Books about Clowns in Sewers
SECTiON 2 [ HAVE YOU EVER ]
+ cheated on someone? Nope. That would involve having someone on whom to cheat.
+ fallen off the bed? No (it would be funny of you added “while cheating on someone”).
+ fallen for a relative? I tripped in front of my sister once while I was trying to tell her not to trip over a step she hadn’t seen.
+ had plastic surgery? How do you think I got rid of that third arm?
+ broke someone's heart? Yes…with a baseball bat! It was plastic model of a heart, though, so don’t be afraid.
+ had your heart broken? Do heart attacks count?
+ had a dream come true? No. I dreamt once that I was driving down a large highway being chased by a witch’s hat that shot laser beams out of the top. I hope that doesn’t come true again.
+ done something you regret? Yes, like starting this survey!
+ cheated on a test? nope
+ been depressed? I’m depressed right now! Who told you?
SECTiON 3 [ CURRENTLY]
+ wearing: a t-shirt that says “Wright State University Welcome Week 1998” and a hat that says “I’m glad I’m not fishing.” There are other things, but they are unimportant.
+ listening to: the sounds of the television in the living room, which make little sense and sound like Mexicans screaming into a tin can.
+ chewing: that flimsy piece of plastic you find on the inside of soda bottle caps. I have ripped it into several pieces; several of which are currently stuck between my teeth.
+ feeling: the keyboard (what else am I supposed to put my hands when I’m typing?)
+ reading: “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis, “The Brothers Karamazov” by Fyodor Dostoevsky, and “Dress your family in corduroy and denim” by David Sedaris.
+ located: my bedroom
+ chatting with: the voices in my head, which sound an awful lot like a large crowd of Ricardo Mantalban clones.
+ watching: my neighbor shower
+ should REALLY be: either sleeping or out roaming the streets in search of food.
SECTiON 4 [ DO YOU... ]
+ brush your teeth: What? You mean there are people out there who use brush on their teeth?
+ like anybody: I like lots of people.
+ believe in God: Oh yeah!
+ believe in Santa Claus?: Bitch, I AM Santa Claus!
+ ever get off the computer: that is disgusting and I respectfully ask that you retract that question.
SECTiON 5 [ FRiENDS ]
+ do you belong to a crew: I used to be a member of a group known as “Big Joe and the Lesbian Entourage” but now I am just a nameless face in a sea of nerds. There may or may not be lesbians.
+ do you hang out with the opposite sex: yes, but they’re usually lesbians. At least, that is what they tell me when I try to hit on them. I wonder why every woman I meet tells me she is a lesbian?
+ do you consider yourself popular: Credit Card companies do, so I guess that means yes
+ do you trust your friends: to do what? If you meant to ask if I trust my friends not to paint my face with pickes and toothpaste after a night of heavy drinking then I must say no, sadly, I don’t trust my friends.
+ are you a good friend: Yes, because I return the favor.
+ can you keep a secret: no. I keep forgetting what the person told me. So I eventually lose it.
SECTiON 6 [ THE LAST PERSON YOU...]
+ hugged: my mother
+ IMed: I can’t remember. I don’t know how to use a computer.
+ talked to on the phone: Miguel Balestrios, a 57 year old pilot from toluca, Mexico. I asked him if his taxiways were filleted. He said yes. Yes they are.
+ fell in love with: a cardboard cutout of Kathy Ireland. I was sixteen and we dated for a month until she cheated on me with a cardboard cutout of Gilbert Godfried. I’ll never forgive her, and if I ever catch that annoying bastard, I’m going to poke a hole in his carboard left hand and leave him in standing water so he rots and will have to be thrown away.
+ turned down: I never turn down women. I am hopelessly desperate.
SECTiON 7 [ PERSONAL ]
+ What do you want to be when you grow up? Michael Jordan.
+ What was the worst day of your life? The day I woke up from a dream involving me standing on a large pedestal, dressed in sun-god robes, while beautiful women threw little pickles at me. I was sad to find out that this had been a dream.
+ What has been the best day of your life? The night I went to bed and had that dream.
+ What comes first in your life? birth
+ Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? No, the state of Ohio put a stop to that with the restraining order.
+ If you had an extra set of eyes where would you put them? My friend said, “in the girl’s shower room.” Mine is close, but more specific. I would put my eyes in the locker room of the local college’s women’s volleyball team
+ What do you think about before you go to bed? Infiniti and Jelly donuts.
SECTiON 8 [ FAVORITE . . .]
+ Movie: Back to the Future
+ Song: Over the Hills and Far Away by Led Zeppelin. + Singer: Barry White…awwww yeah!
+ Store: Half Price Books.
+ Relative: all of them
+ Sport: Baseball, bitches!
+ Vacation Spots: the locker room of the local college’s women’s volleyball team
+ Candy: the local college’s women’s volleyball team.
+ Holiday: Thanksgiving, for some reason.
+ Day of the Week: Fridays in autumn. Saturdays the rest of the year.
+ Magazine: none
+ Name for a Girl: Reagan. I don’t know why. I just like the name.
+ Name for a Boy: Aeschylus
SECTiON 9 [ DO YOU . . .]
+ Like to give hugs: not really.
+ Prefer black or blue pens: why must you advocate violence against the poor writing instruments? You fiend!
+ Dress up on Halloween: I put on clothes if that is what you're asking.
+ Have a job: I sit at my desk and pretend to work. They pay me money at the end of the work. If that is what you consider a job, then I have one.
+ Like to travel: I love to travel, but I rarely get the chance.
+ Like someone: pay attention, dumbass, you already asked that question.
+ Sleep on your side, tummy, or back? Yes…all at the same time.
+ Want to marry? Eventually. But not today. Why? Are you proposing to me?
+ Have a goldfish? No, I ate it for dinner.
+ Ever have the falling dream? Yes, I once dreamt that I was at my friend’s house. She informed me that she was pregnant. Immediately after that, an evil orangutan jumped out from the behind the fridge, fired a few shots at me from an AK-47, then leapt out the window. I followed in hot pursuit. It turned out that their house sat atop a large cliff, and as the orangutan and I fell, we had a light saber duel. He landed in the water before I did, and before I could anything, he jumped in a Hummer and drove away. We locked eyes as he passed me, and I knew that one day he’d be back. One day.
+ Have stuffed animals? No. That’s strange.
+ Go on vacation? Not anymore. The local college has a restraining order.
SECTiON 10 [ WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT . . .]
+ Abortion: I don’t share my opinion on this unless I know you very well.
+ Eating Disorders: I know it’s mean and wrong to say so, but I love those pictures with fat guys who wear shirts that say, “I beat anorexia.” I don’t care who you are. That’s funny right there.
+ Summer: way too short.
+ Tattoos: I would like to quote my friend Sean who said, “Female Cellists should get F holes on their backs.” I don’t know what that means, but it sounds cool.
+ Make-up: I never would have passed college if it weren’t for make-up exams.
+ Drinking: a necessary function of human existence. If you don’t drink water, you die. Plain and simple.
+ Guys: huh?
+ Girls: what?
SECTiON 11 [ THIS OR THAT]
+ Be serious or funny? Seriously Funny.
+ Simple or Complicated? yes
+ MTV or BET? no
+ 7th Heaven or Dawson's Creek? NO!
+ Sugar or salt? Ketchup
+ Silver or gold? KETCHUP!
+ Tongue or belly button ring? Both…with a chain connecting them!
+ Chocolate or flowers? Chocolate flowers! It’s like having your cake and eating it, too.
+ Angels or miracles? Is this title of the new Dan Brown novel I keep hearing about?
+ Color or Black or white? Are you calling me a racist? What the hell, man, I thought we had a rapport?
+ Sunrise or sunset? Sunset: Ah, but isn’t each sunset really a sunrise somewhere else? isn't it Tevyeh?
+ M&M's or Skittles? I said ketchup. Weren’t you listening?
+ Rap or Rock? Jazz, bitches!
+ Stay up late or sleep in? uh..don’t they go hand in hand?
+ TV or radio? Ketchup?
+ Hot or cold? medium
+ members of the opposite sex taller or shorter? Slightly shorter than me. Slightly.
+ Sun or moon? I hate it when people moon me.
+ Diamond or Ruby? Jack Ruby was definitely a more influential hitman than Nick the Diamond.
+ Left or Right? Utilitarianism.
+ 10 acquaintances or one best friend? solitude
+ Vanilla or chocolate? You are trying to goad me into racism, aren’t you, you bastard?
+ Half-empty or Half-full? Completely empty and nearing a refill.
+ Mustard or ketchup? I think you know the answer to that one.
+ Newspaper or Magazine? teh intarweb !!1!!111one!!11 lol omfg!
+ Spring or Fall? It’s called autumn.
+ Give or receive? (*laughs hysterically*)
+ Rain or snow? Rain…RAIN RAIN RAIN RAIN RAIN RAIN!
+ Happy or sad? Contentment. It’s the closest we can ever come to sustained happiness.
+ sneakers or sandals? I’ve never heard of “sandals,” but “sneakers” was a pretty good movie.
+ McDonald's or Burger king? How many times do I have to tell you…ketchup!
+ Lights on or off? (*still laughing hysterically*)
+ A house in the woods or the city? Woods. + Pepsi or Coke? Diet Mountain Dew.
+ Nike or ADIDAS? Nike tastes better than Adidas.
+Do you own a gun? A water gun!
+Have you ever killed an animal? I shot a man once just to watch him die.
+Are you Irish? Aye, me ladee. Shor’n I be wishin a foine marnin’ on ya. A foine marnin, indeed!+What do you think of hot dogs? If they spent more time in the shade they might not get so hot (AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!)
+What's your favorite Christmas song? Baby Got Back…..what? Why are you looking at me like that
+What is your favorite smell? (*laughing hysterically*)
+What do you prefer to drink in the morning? KETCHUP!
+Do you do pushups? Cock pushups?
+Have you ever done ecstasy? No, but I hear she’s easy.
+Have you been shot? Yes. In the shoulder with a bee bee gun when I was 13.
+Have you ever been hospitalized? Yes. It was a heart attack that turned out to be a bad contacts perscription.
+Do you like painkillers? Only when they work.
+What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? Isn’t that the point of cock pushups?
+Do you own a knife? Steak knife!
+Do you have A.D.D.? I’m terrible at math.
+Do you love the pain a tattoo brings? Yes, especially the part where the person sees it start to sag as they get older and can no longer live with the pain of embarrassment.
+Name Five Drinks You Regularly Drink:-Diet Mountain Dew – Ketchup – Rainwater – Hydrochloric Acid – and a strange mix of the previous 4 (what I like to call “Bud Light”)
+What's In Your CD Player? Dust.
+What's Under Your Bed? Demons and other assorted ghouls. And maybe a few pencil shavings.
+What Time Did You Wake Up Today? I didn’t. I’ve been up since yesterday.
+Current Hair? Nonexistent.
+Current Worry? That I won’t ever finish this stupid survey.
+Current Love? Pancakes and ketchup
+Current Hate? politics
+Favorite Place To Be? My old vacation spot.
+Least Favorite Place? Mexican prisons.
+If You Could Play An Instrument? I play a mean kazoo.
+One person From Your Past You Wish You Could be with Right Now? Who says I’m not with her right now? And who says it's just one?
+Where Would You Like To Go? To sleep.
+Where Do you want to live? AAAA-AAAAAA-AAAAA-AAAAALBEQUERQUE!
+Favorite food? DON’T YOU LISTEN? K-E-T-C-H-U-P!
+Color of most clothes you own? Depends on what I’ve been eating and how drunk I was at the time.
+Number of pillows you sleep with? (*Laughing hysterically*)
+What do you wear when you go to sleep? Selma Hayek.
+What were you doing 12AM last night? Selma Hayek.
+What do you think you'll be doing in 10 years? Heh heh…Selma Hayek.
+Are you paranoid? I don’t know…am I? Do I come off that way? Oh no! What if I am?
+Do you burn or tan? I skip all that and just shave off a few layers of skin. Its easier that way.
+Last person you yelled at? Some dude named Mazer. And it was online, too, so it make me look even more like a dick.
+Last thing you ate? Selm….I mean, ketchup!
+If you could be a pirate, would you? No…piracy doesn’t really have good health benefits these days.
+What songs do you sing in the shower? Volga Boatmen.
+When and why did you last vomit? When I went to see “The Ring 2”…because it was “The Ring 2.”
+What's in your pockets right now? All that money I stole from the liquor store.
+what color are your bedroom walls? It depends on what I was eating and how drunk I was at the time.
+last thing that made you laugh? When I mentioned Selma Hayek a few seconds ago.
+any pets now? I have a roommate. Does that count?
+inny or an outty? Annie!
+If you were a crayon what colour would you be? A “Stop asking dumb fucking questions” crayon. Failing that, red.
+Have u ever won any awards? Yes. I won a bowling tournament when I was in high school and I was awarded 2nd place in region 7 for collegiate opinion news writing. I don’t know what region 7 is, but it must have been important because the guy handing out the awards had a deep voice and looked like the reanimated corpse of Julius Sumner Miller. I also won the "most unremarkable" award in high school.
+How many TV's do you have in your house? 42
+Have you ever sprained/broken/fractured a bone or gotten stitches: I used to get paid to do that! Oh…you meant my bones! Then no.
+Who do you tell your dreams to? You.
+What do you think of the person who posted this before you Not much. He seems cool and all, but I don’t often ponder the nuances of our friendship.