The Meaning of Life

A friend of mine, after reading a previous post where I raved about my old friends and their musical accolades, asked me what kind a musician I am if I used to play with people of such caliber. The strict answer to that question is, not much. Oh sure. I was a kick ass trumpet player in high school, but that’s like trying to hit on the hot chicks with the line “I had the coolest match box car collection of all my friends when I was 5 years old.” It just makes you look lame. While I have several fond memories from high school (more than the average person, I think…and I am thankful for that), I don’t hold those years on a pedestal. And I certainly do not consider myself anywhere near as good as either of my two friends. I may have been able to do something musically if I’d kept up with it. But I still don’t believe I’d be anywhere near as good. The difference between them and me is that they have a passion for playing good music whereas I enjoyed playing, but hating practicing. I would have given up long ago.

So when I say that I sometimes wish I had kept up with the whole music thing, I don’ really mean it. What I mean to say is that I wish I had done something more useful with my time other than eat pizza and watch stupid movies.

And I’ve seen a lot of stupid movies. Hoo boy.

* * * *

And now, a quote:
"I do, indeed, suck; and greatly so." - The Sasquatch, in response to a philosophy professor who asked him for a concise summary of C.S. Lewis' book, "The Problem of Pain."

I've Got Gas!

If the war in Iraq truly was a war for oil, why the hell did I just spend five million dollars on a tank of gas? I'm not sayin'. I'm just sayin'.

I wanted to write something more substantial today, but the weather cooled off and my roommate woke up early. So we trudged off to play Frisbee Golf at Hoover in the rain. We were surprised to find that they have moved all the baskets back a considerable distance. So instead of shooting my usually 10 to 12 under par, I shot a 2 under par. Plus I got excessively muddy searching for my Frisbee in a pile of mud for nearly twenty minutes.

Yes. I had a great time.

Since I didn’t have time to write something more substantial, and since I know that there may be tens of people out there waiting with baited breath to hear something new and exciting about my dull and boring life, I have compiled yet another pointless list of stupid things that may or may not interest you. Enjoy.

1. In searching the internet for something cool to read, I came across an old friend’s website. Her name is Josie and she plays some groovy tunes for the people in the New England area. I wrote her and she wrote me back. As I told her in the e-mail I just finished, it’s nice to be remembered. And, as I didn’t tell her in the e-mail I just finished, it’s nice to find out that your old friends are doing well. She certainly is. Check her out here.

2.In speaking with Josie, I learned that another old friend, Adam Ross, is doing well on the left coast, playing fancy guitar for important people. I only knew him when he was a freshman, but he and I (and Josie) collaborated once to play a few dumb songs for the pit band at our high school talent show/arts thingy they do every year. Adam played the Jimi Hendrix version of the Star Spangled Banner, and it was really good. The sad thing now is that, where Josie and Adam are now bona fide musicians, I can barely play a C scale on my trumpet.

3. I sometimes wish I had gone into music when I was younger.

4. I fell down the hill today while I was playing Frisbee golf, and I twisted my knee. I swore out loud. A kid preparing to throw his Frisbee on the next hole turned around and looked at me like I had just shot his favorite cat. He wasn’t mad that I had sworn, apparently. I’d heard him swear several times throughout the previous holes. I think he was mad that I had interrupted his shot with my loud gesticulations. I apologized and he turned away, without responding, to make his shot.

5. He threw his Frisbee a mighty two hundred fifty feet. As he left the tee pad, he stooped to pick up his bag of Frisbees that read “Professional Disc Golf Association,” and he turned to look at me as if to say, “beat that shot!”

6. I stepped up to the tee and, with my gimpy leg, threw my Frisbee 50 feet past the hole and a full 100 feet past the guy who so recently gave me a nasty look for swearing loudly when twisting my knee, thus proving once again that in order to be a professional Frisbee golf player, you must also be a complete douche bag.

7. I started writing three short stores this weekend. One of them is cool. The Devil is in it. It’s sort of a Faustian tale with a twist.

8. I hate it when people compare their stuff to classics and then add “but with a twist!” It makes those kind of people sound like douche bags.

9. I get to go to play practice tomorrow for that play I wrote a while ago. I had to take over one of the parts when one of my friends backed out. The sad thing is that everybody in the cast has their parts memorized…except me. Which is sad. Since I wrote the damn thing.

10. I can’t think of anything else interesting to say. Go check out Josie and Adam’s websites.

My jobs sucks less than yours!

Tomorrow is no-work Monday, and I figured that I'd go ahead and get this one out of the way right now since I plan to sleep in all day tomorrow.

No soup for you

Not much to write about here these days. Sorry about that. I do have a couple short stories I’m starting work on, and I think I might try to write a book! It’s a good thing I’m not a writer, otherwise I might be dismayed at my eventual inability to get said stores and book published due to their complete lack of interesting characters or compelling plot. But at th every least it will give me something fun to do when I’m bored at work.

Which is most of the time I’m at work.

I heard that jimi got back from Malawi this week. He was studying something important, apparently. I asked him to explain it to me once and I had no idea what he was talking about. He was excited about it, though, so it has to be good. I haven't seen him yet, though. I went to the Cleveland Browns-NY Giants preseason game yesterday with Tim, Jenny, and Jr. Tim and Jenny got free tickets from some guy they know. It rained a lot. It always seems to rain when I go to professional sporting events. When I was a beer vendor for the Cincinnati Reds, it raimed almost every time I worked. I remember once, I took a day off of my real job to work a businessman's special during the day. It rained the whole time. Not only that, but they scheduled me to work in a section that was dominated by a local elementary school that had won tickets to the game.

Just in case you don't know. You can't make a lot of money selling beer to little kids. Not that I tried, mind you. Not me.

I hear jimi looks like a fat Ernest Hemmingway. Chad says so. I found that particularly funny, since Ernest Hemmingway was already fat. Either way, it's nice to have him back. This means I finally have some real competition in frisbee golf.

More stupidity

And just in case you thought I was biased, politically speaking, here is yet another case of pandering I find pointless and stupid. Sure...lets change the entire plot of the book - so that it is wholly different than what the author intended - in order to avoid offending one or two people.

Names

So what do we do about the recent NCAA annoucnement that no collegiate teams that hope to enter its tournaments are allowed to have offensive names? I like the idea that we need to be less offensive to those who are made, but there are a few things about this that bother me. First, the Florida Seminole tribe has been in constant support of Florida State University's use of their name as a mascot. The tribe voted overwhelmingly in support of this, and they have worked together with FSU to create awareness among the community for the history and culture of the Seminole tribe as well as their current standing as part of American society. The NCAA never contacted them and, in fact, has no Native Americans on its multicultural awareness board.

Then we have the Fighting Ilini from Illinois. The NCAA has stated that the Ilini have to change their name to something less offensive. Which is funny, because there never actually was an Ilini tribe. There was an Illinois tribe, but I guess it would be too much to ask them to change that name since that is already a state name

The Arizona Aztecs are perfectly fine, however, which shows that the NCAA hates Mexicans. So I guess it would be ok to name a team the South Texas State Wetbacks. Or maybe the University of Southern California Runnin' Immigrants. That would be a great idea, huh?

Other Proposed Names That Are Potentially Offensive
The Alabama Honkey Hicks
The Utah Mutli-Marryin' Mormons
The Ohio State Fighting Whiteys
The Washington DC Crack Heads (aka "The Marion Barrys")
The New York State Fighting Jews
The MIT Pocket Protectors
The San Francisco Ferries

The Notre Dame Fighting Irish

You like me. You really like me.

The art show was this evening and my story was a big hit. I had the crowd eating out of the palm of my hand (which is interesting, since I have small hands and rarely carry food in them). The final draft of the story weighed in at roughly 4 pages (down from a weighty 6 and a half), and I got to keep most of what I really liked from the original. I was pleased with the result. Afterwards, several people told me that I had done a good job. And they did it a genuine way; not that patronizing way you tell your kids at their first dance recital (even though you really thought it was horrible).

It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside...just like I feel on the outside! And now I must go to bed. Because if I don't, I think my head is gonna a-splode.

Piece,
The Sasuatch

Jumbled Words and Mismatched sentences

I get to read my story about swing dancing this evening. I got the schedule this afternoon, and I was shocked to learn that, while each person had been slated for ten minutes, I was the only one to actually use ten minutes (and then some). As of this evening, my story stood at fiftenn minutes, and even then it sounded like the speed reader from the Micromachine commercials they used to have on television when I was a kid. So I spent the evening working with the Kurt Vonnegut rule that you should automatically cut out 1/3 of everything you write, because that third is probably worthless (assuming anything else you write actually has worth. If it doesn't, just cut it all and become a journalist. Or worse...get a job in marketing). I cut and cut and cut, and when I done with that I cut some more. I can get it in at 10 minutes 15 seconds if I don't mess up or pause to let the audience laugh (which they won't do). I'll try to cut more while I'm at work tomorrow, but I don't know if that will be possible.

There were some jokes about a band that might take a full half hour to play their song, which rivals Innagodadavida in both blandness and pointless lenght. Apparently. I've never heard the song, but I have heard the guitarist/singer and I haven't been too impressed. There are several jokes I could make here, but there is an outside chance the guy in question could read this and I don't want him to read it. Also, it would be mean.

he won't kick my ass, though. He's a skinny bastard and he'd probably run away and drown himself in a bowl of tofu. Dammit! I made a joke!

Time for sleep. I believe that, while I am sleeping, I will listen to Peter Kreeft expound upon the intricasies of evil found in Tolkein's "The Lord of the Rings." You can too!

It's Monday...I Almost Forgot

I love no-work Mondays. Even if all I do is sleep and eat Doritos all day!

Politics Run Amok

I love reading Pandagon. I’ve read them for several years and, in fact, plagiarized their words for several of my papers in college (just kidding). But sometimes they can be wrong. For instance, in this post, Jesse references an article about how long-winded, right-wing blogs often don’t understand the left in their writing.

He says:
“But the world of the righty blogosphere sustains itself on the hearty fuel of self-absorption, the consistent and enduring belief that they're doing something just by existing. As such, their standards for excellence seem to be really, really low.”

Jesse seems to feel that only those on the right are capable of stupidity. He seems to think that only those on the right fail to misunderstand their opponents. He should go back and read the words he used when he linked the article in question. People with whom you disagree seem much less intelligent because the mere fact that they disagree makes them inherently unlikable. This trait is seen on either end of the political spectrum. The reason is not because “conservatives are morons” or “liberals are idiots” but rather, “People are fucking stupid.”

In trying to claim that only people on the right are stupid, Jesse falls for his own trap. He fails to comprehend what those on the right, those who act honestly and intelligently that is, are really trying to say. He paints half the population with broad, stupid strokes; strokes which many do not deserve.

A good example of this type of thinking can be seen in the discussion of any hot button issue of the day. Take abortion for instance. The very names we use to describe our opinions shows our prejudices. Pro-life assumes that the only issue in the abortion debate is the life of the baby or the fetus. It assumes that those who disagree are pro-death and believe that killing babies is a good thing. Pro-choice assumes that the only issue in the abortion debate is women’s rights. It assumes that those who disagree are anti-choice and would like nothing more than to keep women barefoot and pregnant against their will.

Each side uses the negative terms “pro-death” and “anti-choice” in their rhetoric. You hear it all the time. But if you ask almost anybody in the pro-choice camp if they believe in killing babies, they’ll respond that they do not. Ask almost anybody in the pro-life camp if they believe women should be kept in the kitchen while the men do the real work, and they will say no.

Both sides paint with broad strokes, and both sides are wrong.

The truth of the matter is that abortion, like most political issues, is more complicated than any one angle or any one idea. While most of us, as individuals, are capable of understanding this, we choose to blind ourselves to this truth. We base our political decisions largely upon how much we like a person rather than the strength of their argument. That likeability is often dependent upon how much they agree with us. It then logically follows that we encamp ourselves with groups of people we like rather than those who challenge us, and then act unintelligently by painting our opponents with broad strokes not because what they say is necessarily wrong but because we don’t like them and believe them to be bad.

So when Jesse says things like:

“The interesting thing is that much of the righty blogosphere tends to be completely unfamiliar with the left side of things, allowing them to speak as if the random Daily Kos outrages and cursewords from Eschaton stand in for every single thing the right has written. They also tend to fall back on old cliches (as Jay Tea wraps himself up in the old blanket of "conservatives think, liberals hate America feel"), and as the comments to this post prove, tend not to actually read liberal blogs. I can't tell you how many e-mails I've gotten from conservative bloggers and readers who, when I write or link to something that proves them flat-out wrong, come back with an attack on my cursing or a link to a post they did several months ago that proves their utter intellectual superiority to another post I wrote several months ago as a throwoff. Is this epidemic of the entire right-wing blogosphere. No, not its entirety. Just the entire core of it...and most of the outlying inspired blogs and writers. But other than that, it's a-okay. ”

he does exactly the same thing he criticizes in conservative bloggers. He assumes that he is always right, they are always wrong, and that if only conserva-bloggers would act more intelligently they would cease to be conservative and turn to the light of liberalism. At that point, of course, all badness would cease and everybody would be happy.

The problem is not conservatives. The problem is not liberals. The problem is how we, as people, approach discussion.

You see this kind of activity all over the place. I recently had a conversation with a friend about a theological issue (something to do with Catholicism versus Protestantism). I asked a challenging question and, without warning, he got mad. He said I hated Catholics, he called me an atheist, and he stopped short of telling me that I would end up in Hell for all eternity. He did this all because I asked him to explain his position. I said nothing of my opinion (I never got the chance). But if I had, I would have told him that I am, in fact, a devout Christian and that he and I merely disagree on this particular issue. And I would have stated further that I was quite willing to accept his opinion if he could give me a good explanation. But I never got that chance. He didn’t like me from that point on, and I became the enemy. I became everything against which he and his team had fought for centuries.

I became bad.

I recently took part in a web discussion about the nomination of John Roberts to the Supreme Court. I mentioned that I believed the most striking thing about him was that there was a lack of anything controversial or debatable in his past. And I said that even people on the right were saying this. I then quoted a conservative columnist. The response from several people on the website was not to tell me how my conclusions were incorrect (they never addressed my points, actually), but to point out that I was wrong merely because I had quoted somebody they disliked. This hampered later discussions on different topics. They would make a statement; I would ask for clarification (when I didn’t understand what they were saying) or an explanation (when I thought they conclusions were a bit far-fetched); and they would respond that, by merely asking questions, I was spouting Republican talking points and was therefore incorrect.

They disliked me, so they stopped listening.

I have engaged in similar conversations about baseball, movies, music, and, yes, even politics. Quite often, these conversations end with the same results. People think that their opponents are morons because first they believe themselves to be wholly correct when they are often only correct to an extent, and second because it is more comfortable to make this assumption rather than seek the truth. The people with whom they disagree are not very likeable, so it’s easy to make fun of them rather than address the issues at hand.

So when Jesse speaks of people who e-mail him with baseless criticisms, he is right to say that that these people aren’t acting intelligently. They refuse to the Truth of his arguments (or even address his points) and attack other aspects of his nature in order to retain the illusion that he is unlikable and therefore wrong. Jesse does the same thing, however, when he says that the core ideas of the right are at fault in the breakdown of communication and the loss of truth. In this instance, he is acting unintelligently. He assumes that, because of the few stupid people he sees, everybody on the right is unintelligent. The blog he quoted, Wizbang, also does the same thing but from a conservative perspective. They do this because they don’t like their opponents. And they paint with broad strokes so that they can continue to picture conserva-bloggers(in the case of Pandagon) or liberal bloggers (in the case of Wizbang) as toothless morons whose only purpose is to be ridiculed rather than listened to.

People refuse to listen to those with whom they disagree because they do not like to be challenged. They choose to take the easy route and claim that “everybody else” as incorrect because it is more comfortable to do so. People refuse to honestly accept the possibility that they are wrong because they do not like to be challenged. They choose to take the easy route and say that their opinions are always right because it is more comfortable to do so. People refuse to listen to the Truth because they do not like to be challenged. They choose to take the easy route and mask the truth as stupidity because it leaves them in a state of comfort.

And people crave comfort more than they crave Truth.

The Reds are the Best Team in Baseball

At this evening's baseball game:
__________________________________________________

Cincinnati Reds players rallied around a 6-year-old boy after his
grandfather collapsed in the stands.

"We just tried to make a bad situation a little better," said
outfielder Ken Griffey Jr.

While paramedics were working on the grandfather, security officer Bill
Summee took the boy to the Reds bullpen. The Reds did not release the name of
the grandfather, who died Wednesday night of an apparent heart attack.

The boy, identified as Antonio Perez of Hamilton, sat with players for the
last two innings of the game, and Griffey went and got him when the game ended.
The boy participated in the Reds' high-fives celebrating their 8-5 victory over
Atlanta, and he then joined the players in the clubhouse.

Clubhouse manager Rick Stowe said the Reds showered the boy with bats,
wristbands, and autographed baseballs. Shortstop Felipe Lopez gave him the
batting helmet, autographed, that Lopez wore in this year's All-Star
game.

The players kept the boy distracted until his parents arrived.

"We play a game," Griffey said. "What he was going through doesn't compare.
It was important that the little guy not be by himself."

________________________________________________

Reviews On Reviews Say Reviews Not Up To Snuff

AP Wire - Columbus, Ohio

Reviews for “The Dukes of Hazard,” which opened in theaters on Wednesday, have already begun to hit the Internet and according to experts, there is very little quality to be had.

“I couldn’t believe it!” said Jamie King, a chemical engineer with Proctor and Gamble and mother of three. “I rely upon newspaper editorialists to tell me what to think about movies and this is just another in a worsening trend of movie reviews that are just plain superficial.”

Jamie and many others have complained that the reviews for “The Dukes of Hazard” are clichéd and heavy handed. ”It’s like high school,” says Jason Bingamton, a local Sandwich Artist and recent graduate of Subway University. “One person wrote a review and everybody else copied off of him.”

We sent our crack Internet Research Team onto the net in search of popular movie review sites to see if we could find the truth. And the truth, it is said to say, was frightening.

The Cincinnati Enquirer had this to say about the new summer blockbuster turned flop: “Instead [the director] pours the movie's energy into the car chases, which make no more sense than the plot, but at least allow for plenty of cool sideways driving.”

CNN also derided the plot of the movie, saying “The plot in a nutshell -- which is where it belongs.”

Nearly every review uncovered by our research team followed a particular format. They started by stating that Hollywood had again revamped an intellectually vapid television show into an equally vapid movie.

The editorialist would then follow with a joke either about horny teenage boys, boobs, or Jessica Simpson not quite filling the mental capacity needed to play a brainless hick who was known for shaking her ass on television. The meat of the editorial consists of a parody of the plot, in which the columnist invariably makes a few references to Hee Haw or ill-placed car chase scenes.

Next, in an attempt to sound unbiased, the author will turn to either a redeeming quality of the movie (good special effects) or a joke that they felt was over the heads of most of the audience. In the end, however, the author of the article will revert to his or her previous position, lambasting the plot, Jessica Simpson’s acting skills, or the casting of Burt Reynold’s before closing out the article with a dire warning not to see this movie unless you expect to lose more than a few IQ points in the process.

“It’s really quite sad, says Mark Foot, president and only member of Journalism watchdog group NSACBMA or Newspapers Suck And Can Bite My Ass (online at newspaperscanbitemyass.com). “With past flops like ‘Showgirls’ and ‘Mystery Men,’ Journalists reveled in finding new and unique ways to deride everybody involved from the lead actor all the way down to the intern who only worked on set for a day. It was really quite cool”

“Now,” according to Foot, “it’s like they’re not even trying.”Foot went on to argue that this is a trend that was long in coming.

“I think it started with American Pie 2 and went downhill from here,” he said. “By the time we got to Starsky & Hutch and Gigli, it seemed like journalists were phoning it in.”

Mary Spooneybarger, spokesperson for the Society of Professional Journalists, however, places the blame squarely on Hollywood..

“There are only so many ways you can make fun of a film before you have to repeat yourself, “she said. “Past film flops excelled in their stupidity and banality. These new films are only unremarkable in their unremarkability. If Hollywood would bring back the glory days of bad filmmaking, we wouldn’t be forced to lower our standards.”

Whose fault is it, then? Do op/ed movie reviews suck because journalists are lazy or because Hollywood is resting on its laurels?

“I think it’s a conspiracy against the media,” Spooneybarger claims. “I think they’ve had it out for us ever since we sabotaged that ‘Iron Giant’ movie back in the mid’90s.”

Others, however, aren’t so sure.

“This feels like a chicken-and-the-egg type of scenario,” says Ohio State University professor of philosophy, Tim Jörgensson. “We may never know.”

Jörgensson then added, “Hey dude, you wanna hit this bong?”

While we may never know the root cause of such a decline, the fact that such a decline exists cannot be denied. Purists like Mark Foot and hack writers like Mary Spooneybarger can agree, at least, that this is a problem that will have to be addressed.

Or else people like me will have to take over. And nobody wants that.

Nerd Audit

In the vein of Pandagon’s coolness audits, I’m doing a nerd audit. Because I’m never cool and I never will be. The lower the score the better

1) “Irish Drinking Song” by Da Vinci’s Notebook. A Capella ruminations about the finest of liquors coupled with snazzy rhymes and a chorus in which the response to massive amounts of familial death is to drink so much that you “throw up, pass out, wake up and then go drinkin’ once again.” You can’t beat that with a 10 meter cattle prod. 0/10

2) “You know you wrong,” by Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. This is the only good song on their most recent album, in my opinion. But then I never could get behind New Orleans Jazz (thus my distaste for the Squirrel Nut Zippers). Still, these guys were in “Swingers,” and they were hip for a while during the great swing revolution of 1998. So I get a 5/10.

3) “Fell in Love with a Girl” by the White Stripes. Crap. There went my nerdiness. The White Stripes are the epitome of hip, and the fact that I think they could use a better drummer - and that I know their drummer’s name – gives me extra credit for hipster pretention. This one goes all the way to 11, baby! 11/10.

4) “Albequerque” by Weird Al Yankovic. Ah yes. Back to the roots of geekdom. I was once at a party where the host, who I knew to be a nerd, believed himself to be a connoisseur of cool music. The party was going well, with the requisite smattering of “The Killers” and “The Strokes” and a few other bands nobody knew but pretended they did in order to look cool. Then weird Al came on the radio and a hush fell over the crowd. The host was a nerd and everybody knew it. He could no longer hide behind his expensive jeans and Spanish, wraparound sunglasses. After a close call, I again fall into the pit of despair. 0/10.

5) “Big Bottom” by Spinal Tap. Have you seen the movie? Did you know that Spinal Tap is a fake band? Did you know that they are the same guys as The Folksmen from “A Mighty Wind?” Did you know that the bass player, Harry Shearer, does half the voices on “The Simpsons?” Did you notice that I have already referenced this movie with song #3, and that Christopher Guest, who plays Nigel Tuffman in the Spinal Tap Movie, also plays the six-fingered man in the movie I referenced at the end of song #4? If you did, you are a true paragon of intellectual superiority. You probably even wear a pocket protector! 3/10

6) “Triangle Man” by They Might Be Giants. This was the seminal hit for TMBG before it was cool to like TMBG. This was the song that you rocked out to when everybody else in the room just looked at you and shook their heads in utter horror and disbelief. 1/10.

7) “Innagadadavida” by Iron Butterfly…the full version with the three-week-long drum solo. Sometimes a nerd can be a hippie as well. You’d get a 5/10, but because I know that this was the song that played over the last half hour of the movie “Manhunter” which came back with greater fame several years later as the movie “Red Dragon” minus this song and all the early ‘80s hair, I get a 2/10.

8) “Get Down” by Nas. WTF? 5w337!! OmFG!!! U R The r0x0r!!!1!! oneone! 6/10

9) “The Theme Song to Jurrasic Park” by John Williams. …. -4/10

10) “Mullett” by Dum Dog Run. When your friend’s band comes up on the list, you know you’re sunk. If my parents had a basement, I’d be there right now, drinking Mountain Dew straight from the bottle and arguing about politics on Fark while attempting to draw boobs on an etch a sketch. 1/10.

Grand total: 2.6 (assmuming you accept Einstein’s approximation of the universal constant “C”). I might be lame, but at least I get to listen to…Da vinci’s notebook?

Nevermind.

Cool Music

I checked out the most recent online service from my old church in Cincinnati, and I found that the worship band did an accoustic set with some really neat percussion added in. It was cooler than pimp daddy Churchill. Check it out here (if you have real player) (the best song is at 18:26)

For a limited time, those with high-speed internet can click here

Waste of Time

Each of these answers is completely true. Really.
_____________________________________________________
SECTiON 1 [YOU.]
+ your name: The Sasquatch
+ your gender: Woodland Animal
+ your birthday: Devil’s Night
+ height: 5’10”
+ eye color: chameleon
+ your location: my bedroom
+ fears: clowns, sewers, and Stephen King Books about Clowns in Sewers

SECTiON 2 [ HAVE YOU EVER ]
+ cheated on someone? Nope. That would involve having someone on whom to cheat.
+ fallen off the bed? No (it would be funny of you added “while cheating on someone”).
+ fallen for a relative? I tripped in front of my sister once while I was trying to tell her not to trip over a step she hadn’t seen.
+ had plastic surgery? How do you think I got rid of that third arm?
+ broke someone's heart? Yes…with a baseball bat! It was plastic model of a heart, though, so don’t be afraid.
+ had your heart broken? Do heart attacks count?
+ had a dream come true? No. I dreamt once that I was driving down a large highway being chased by a witch’s hat that shot laser beams out of the top. I hope that doesn’t come true again.
+ done something you regret? Yes, like starting this survey!
+ cheated on a test? nope
+ been depressed? I’m depressed right now! Who told you?

SECTiON 3 [ CURRENTLY]
+ wearing: a t-shirt that says “Wright State University Welcome Week 1998” and a hat that says “I’m glad I’m not fishing.” There are other things, but they are unimportant.
+ listening to: the sounds of the television in the living room, which make little sense and sound like Mexicans screaming into a tin can.
+ chewing: that flimsy piece of plastic you find on the inside of soda bottle caps. I have ripped it into several pieces; several of which are currently stuck between my teeth.
+ feeling: the keyboard (what else am I supposed to put my hands when I’m typing?)
+ reading: “Mere Christianity” by C.S. Lewis, “The Brothers Karamazov” by Fyodor Dostoevsky, and “Dress your family in corduroy and denim” by David Sedaris.
+ located: my bedroom
+ chatting with: the voices in my head, which sound an awful lot like a large crowd of Ricardo Mantalban clones.
+ watching: my neighbor shower
+ should REALLY be: either sleeping or out roaming the streets in search of food.

SECTiON 4 [ DO YOU... ]
+ brush your teeth: What? You mean there are people out there who use brush on their teeth?
+ like anybody: I like lots of people.
+ believe in God: Oh yeah!
+ believe in Santa Claus?: Bitch, I AM Santa Claus!
+ ever get off the computer: that is disgusting and I respectfully ask that you retract that question.

SECTiON 5 [ FRiENDS ]
+ do you belong to a crew: I used to be a member of a group known as “Big Joe and the Lesbian Entourage” but now I am just a nameless face in a sea of nerds. There may or may not be lesbians.
+ do you hang out with the opposite sex: yes, but they’re usually lesbians. At least, that is what they tell me when I try to hit on them. I wonder why every woman I meet tells me she is a lesbian?
+ do you consider yourself popular: Credit Card companies do, so I guess that means yes
+ do you trust your friends: to do what? If you meant to ask if I trust my friends not to paint my face with pickes and toothpaste after a night of heavy drinking then I must say no, sadly, I don’t trust my friends.
+ are you a good friend: Yes, because I return the favor.
+ can you keep a secret: no. I keep forgetting what the person told me. So I eventually lose it.

SECTiON 6 [ THE LAST PERSON YOU...]
+ hugged: my mother
+ IMed: I can’t remember. I don’t know how to use a computer.
+ talked to on the phone: Miguel Balestrios, a 57 year old pilot from toluca, Mexico. I asked him if his taxiways were filleted. He said yes. Yes they are.
+ fell in love with: a cardboard cutout of Kathy Ireland. I was sixteen and we dated for a month until she cheated on me with a cardboard cutout of Gilbert Godfried. I’ll never forgive her, and if I ever catch that annoying bastard, I’m going to poke a hole in his carboard left hand and leave him in standing water so he rots and will have to be thrown away.
+ turned down: I never turn down women. I am hopelessly desperate.

SECTiON 7 [ PERSONAL ]
+ What do you want to be when you grow up? Michael Jordan.
+ What was the worst day of your life? The day I woke up from a dream involving me standing on a large pedestal, dressed in sun-god robes, while beautiful women threw little pickles at me. I was sad to find out that this had been a dream.
+ What has been the best day of your life? The night I went to bed and had that dream.
+ What comes first in your life? birth
+ Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/crush? No, the state of Ohio put a stop to that with the restraining order.
+ If you had an extra set of eyes where would you put them? My friend said, “in the girl’s shower room.” Mine is close, but more specific. I would put my eyes in the locker room of the local college’s women’s volleyball team
+ What do you think about before you go to bed? Infiniti and Jelly donuts.

SECTiON 8 [ FAVORITE . . .]
+ Movie: Back to the Future
+ Song: Over the Hills and Far Away by Led Zeppelin. + Singer: Barry White…awwww yeah!
+ Store: Half Price Books.
+ Relative: all of them
+ Sport: Baseball, bitches!
+ Vacation Spots: the locker room of the local college’s women’s volleyball team
+ Candy: the local college’s women’s volleyball team.
+ Holiday: Thanksgiving, for some reason.
+ Day of the Week: Fridays in autumn. Saturdays the rest of the year.
+ Magazine: none
+ Name for a Girl: Reagan. I don’t know why. I just like the name.
+ Name for a Boy: Aeschylus

SECTiON 9 [ DO YOU . . .]
+ Like to give hugs: not really.
+ Prefer black or blue pens: why must you advocate violence against the poor writing instruments? You fiend!
+ Dress up on Halloween: I put on clothes if that is what you're asking.
+ Have a job: I sit at my desk and pretend to work. They pay me money at the end of the work. If that is what you consider a job, then I have one.
+ Like to travel: I love to travel, but I rarely get the chance.
+ Like someone: pay attention, dumbass, you already asked that question.
+ Sleep on your side, tummy, or back? Yes…all at the same time.
+ Want to marry? Eventually. But not today. Why? Are you proposing to me?
+ Have a goldfish? No, I ate it for dinner.
+ Ever have the falling dream? Yes, I once dreamt that I was at my friend’s house. She informed me that she was pregnant. Immediately after that, an evil orangutan jumped out from the behind the fridge, fired a few shots at me from an AK-47, then leapt out the window. I followed in hot pursuit. It turned out that their house sat atop a large cliff, and as the orangutan and I fell, we had a light saber duel. He landed in the water before I did, and before I could anything, he jumped in a Hummer and drove away. We locked eyes as he passed me, and I knew that one day he’d be back. One day.
+ Have stuffed animals? No. That’s strange.
+ Go on vacation? Not anymore. The local college has a restraining order.

SECTiON 10 [ WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT . . .]
+ Abortion: I don’t share my opinion on this unless I know you very well.
+ Eating Disorders: I know it’s mean and wrong to say so, but I love those pictures with fat guys who wear shirts that say, “I beat anorexia.” I don’t care who you are. That’s funny right there.
+ Summer: way too short.
+ Tattoos: I would like to quote my friend Sean who said, “Female Cellists should get F holes on their backs.” I don’t know what that means, but it sounds cool.
+ Make-up: I never would have passed college if it weren’t for make-up exams.
+ Drinking: a necessary function of human existence. If you don’t drink water, you die. Plain and simple.
+ Guys: huh?
+ Girls: what?

SECTiON 11 [ THIS OR THAT]
+ Be serious or funny? Seriously Funny.
+ Simple or Complicated? yes
+ MTV or BET? no
+ 7th Heaven or Dawson's Creek? NO!
+ Sugar or salt? Ketchup
+ Silver or gold? KETCHUP!
+ Tongue or belly button ring? Both…with a chain connecting them!
+ Chocolate or flowers? Chocolate flowers! It’s like having your cake and eating it, too.
+ Angels or miracles? Is this title of the new Dan Brown novel I keep hearing about?
+ Color or Black or white? Are you calling me a racist? What the hell, man, I thought we had a rapport?
+ Sunrise or sunset? Sunset: Ah, but isn’t each sunset really a sunrise somewhere else? isn't it Tevyeh?
+ M&M's or Skittles? I said ketchup. Weren’t you listening?
+ Rap or Rock? Jazz, bitches!
+ Stay up late or sleep in? uh..don’t they go hand in hand?
+ TV or radio? Ketchup?
+ Hot or cold? medium
+ members of the opposite sex taller or shorter? Slightly shorter than me. Slightly.
+ Sun or moon? I hate it when people moon me.
+ Diamond or Ruby? Jack Ruby was definitely a more influential hitman than Nick the Diamond.
+ Left or Right? Utilitarianism.
+ 10 acquaintances or one best friend? solitude
+ Vanilla or chocolate? You are trying to goad me into racism, aren’t you, you bastard?
+ Half-empty or Half-full? Completely empty and nearing a refill.
+ Mustard or ketchup? I think you know the answer to that one.
+ Newspaper or Magazine? teh intarweb !!1!!111one!!11 lol omfg!
+ Spring or Fall? It’s called autumn.
+ Give or receive? (*laughs hysterically*)
+ Rain or snow? Rain…RAIN RAIN RAIN RAIN RAIN RAIN!
+ Happy or sad? Contentment. It’s the closest we can ever come to sustained happiness.
+ sneakers or sandals? I’ve never heard of “sandals,” but “sneakers” was a pretty good movie.
+ McDonald's or Burger king? How many times do I have to tell you…ketchup!
+ Lights on or off? (*still laughing hysterically*)
+ A house in the woods or the city? Woods. + Pepsi or Coke? Diet Mountain Dew.
+ Nike or ADIDAS? Nike tastes better than Adidas.
+Do you own a gun? A water gun!
+Have you ever killed an animal? I shot a man once just to watch him die.
+Are you Irish? Aye, me ladee. Shor’n I be wishin a foine marnin’ on ya. A foine marnin, indeed!+What do you think of hot dogs? If they spent more time in the shade they might not get so hot (AH HA HA HA HA HA HA!)
+What's your favorite Christmas song? Baby Got Back…..what? Why are you looking at me like that
+What is your favorite smell? (*laughing hysterically*)
+What do you prefer to drink in the morning? KETCHUP!
+Do you do pushups? Cock pushups?
+Have you ever done ecstasy? No, but I hear she’s easy.
+Have you been shot? Yes. In the shoulder with a bee bee gun when I was 13.
+Have you ever been hospitalized? Yes. It was a heart attack that turned out to be a bad contacts perscription.
+Do you like painkillers? Only when they work.
+What is your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? Isn’t that the point of cock pushups?
+Do you own a knife? Steak knife!
+Do you have A.D.D.? I’m terrible at math.
+Do you love the pain a tattoo brings? Yes, especially the part where the person sees it start to sag as they get older and can no longer live with the pain of embarrassment.
+Name Five Drinks You Regularly Drink:-Diet Mountain Dew – Ketchup – Rainwater – Hydrochloric Acid – and a strange mix of the previous 4 (what I like to call “Bud Light”)
+What's In Your CD Player? Dust.
+What's Under Your Bed? Demons and other assorted ghouls. And maybe a few pencil shavings.
+What Time Did You Wake Up Today? I didn’t. I’ve been up since yesterday.
+Current Hair? Nonexistent.
+Current Worry? That I won’t ever finish this stupid survey.
+Current Love? Pancakes and ketchup
+Current Hate? politics
+Favorite Place To Be? My old vacation spot.
+Least Favorite Place? Mexican prisons.
+If You Could Play An Instrument? I play a mean kazoo.
+One person From Your Past You Wish You Could be with Right Now? Who says I’m not with her right now? And who says it's just one?
+Where Would You Like To Go? To sleep.
+Where Do you want to live? AAAA-AAAAAA-AAAAA-AAAAALBEQUERQUE!
+Favorite food? DON’T YOU LISTEN? K-E-T-C-H-U-P!
+Color of most clothes you own? Depends on what I’ve been eating and how drunk I was at the time.
+Number of pillows you sleep with? (*Laughing hysterically*)
+What do you wear when you go to sleep? Selma Hayek.
+What were you doing 12AM last night? Selma Hayek.
+What do you think you'll be doing in 10 years? Heh heh…Selma Hayek.
+Are you paranoid? I don’t know…am I? Do I come off that way? Oh no! What if I am?
+Do you burn or tan? I skip all that and just shave off a few layers of skin. Its easier that way.
+Last person you yelled at? Some dude named Mazer. And it was online, too, so it make me look even more like a dick.
+Last thing you ate? Selm….I mean, ketchup!
+If you could be a pirate, would you? No…piracy doesn’t really have good health benefits these days.
+What songs do you sing in the shower? Volga Boatmen.
+When and why did you last vomit? When I went to see “The Ring 2”…because it was “The Ring 2.”
+What's in your pockets right now? All that money I stole from the liquor store.
+what color are your bedroom walls? It depends on what I was eating and how drunk I was at the time.
+last thing that made you laugh? When I mentioned Selma Hayek a few seconds ago.
+any pets now? I have a roommate. Does that count?
+inny or an outty? Annie!
+If you were a crayon what colour would you be? A “Stop asking dumb fucking questions” crayon. Failing that, red.
+Have u ever won any awards? Yes. I won a bowling tournament when I was in high school and I was awarded 2nd place in region 7 for collegiate opinion news writing. I don’t know what region 7 is, but it must have been important because the guy handing out the awards had a deep voice and looked like the reanimated corpse of Julius Sumner Miller. I also won the "most unremarkable" award in high school.
+How many TV's do you have in your house? 42
+Have you ever sprained/broken/fractured a bone or gotten stitches: I used to get paid to do that! Oh…you meant my bones! Then no.
+Who do you tell your dreams to? You.
+What do you think of the person who posted this before you Not much. He seems cool and all, but I don’t often ponder the nuances of our friendship.

Wednesday

The day is over. That's all I have to say about that.

Swing

Story removed due to the author's grandiose delusions that he might try to publish it. If you would like to read the story that goes by the name "Swing" in its semi-final stage (much different that what was previously here), e-mail him and he might send it to you.

If you know him...you know his e-mail address.

Deleted by author

deleted by author

No Work Monday!

Today is no work Monday...heh heh...alright!